Category: Addiction Recovery

Help With Addiction Recovery

For several years, my wife and I volunteered as leaders in an Addiction Recovery Program sponsored by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The following writings chronicle my thoughts and impressions as I assisted others to work through a healing process adapted from the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Perhaps the most interesting thing I learned as I taught the 12 Steps is that they really apply to everyone, whether an addict or not. Life is about learning, growing and improving. The principles of these programs, if followed, provide a chance to change and become our best selves.

-Doug Garrett

Addiction Recovery: Part 1

Observations

Working in the field of addiction recovery has been an venture into a world of human behaviour that has been both illuminating and sobering. (No pun intended.) 

Illuminating because the spectrum from compulsive behaviour to debilitating dependency includes so many different faces. It has made me question much more inclusively what an addiction really is. 

It is also sobering because the shocking evidence reveals just how damaging and disruptive the problem is to the addict, their family, friends, co-workers and employers.

While it is true, unless the addict is compelled by law for a criminal offense, the choice of attending a recovery program is voluntary and at the discretion of the addict. But very soon the addict discovers there is an expiry date on his/her ability to control the addiction. It can be very deceptive. If he/she does not use it quickly, the choice is reduced or may disappear entirely. Even with the addict’s most brilliant thinking and most clever schemes the problem becomes worse, not better. So if there is to be any hope of recovery, he/she must be prepared to turn themselves and their will over to powers greater than their own: 1/ Government or non- government programs (assuming they are available), and 2/ the even higher power, God, without whom all programs for recovery will not be long term.

Let me list the typical phases of recovery: 

1/ Denial: 
This phase is marked by a vehement display by the addict to deny there is a problem. Instead of acknowledging the need to change, all energy and action is redirected to place the problem on others, especially their accusers.

As an example the accused may exclaim: “ I don’t see where there is a problem and most certainly it is not me. I think most of the problem is you. If you would stop the nagging and criticizing, the problem would go away.”

2/ Limited recognition, but no desire to change: 
This phase is accompanied by the willingness to accept that there could be a problem, but for the most part it is just “normal behaviour” and it is under control. If it should ever become a real problem, the person would of course do something about it immediately. In the meantime he/she is happy with things the way they are.

3/ No longer denying the problem, but still have no motivation to change: 
The evidence becomes so obvious that the addict finds it impossible to deny. However, they either postpone seeking help or fail to follow through on their promises to get it. Expect statements like, “I definitely will look at changing in the new year.” Or, “When I get a job that isn’t so stressful, I’ll give up my addiction.” Usually it takes a major event like an accident, getting arrested or being caught in the act, to motivate them to actually take action.

4/ Sufficient confessions and embarrassments leads to sincere motivation to change: 
This is the phase where the individual will be most likely to respond. Having been shamed and caught so many times, they are now seriously prepared to take action for change. 

5/ Has made and is keeping promises for recovery, however regularly requires exterior pressure to sustain those commitments: 
At this point the individual is not indulging in his/her addiction, but is constantly struggling and thinking about it. They still have to master the thoughts and habits of those who have achieved success. They may still be associating with their old friends and visiting old sites where they practiced addictions. They have frequent relapses and need others to help them stay committed. 

6/ Recovery – The individual has bridled his addictive indulgences: 
New and better habits have helped the individual to make smarter choices. They no longer think about or are control by their addiction. They have become reliable and predictable.

7/ Has discovered the joy of providing unselfish service to others: 
True recovery is accompanied by a strong desire to help others avoid or overcome their addictions. Their involvement with others is also a strong motivation for them to retain their new status reputation.

– Doug Garrett

Addiction Recovery: Part 2

Observations

We are really fortunate that in most countries, there are many worthwhile Non-Government Organizations that provide support and a place to seek help if anyone is wanting it. Most have adopted the twelve step program originally developed by Alcoholics Anonymous — or some modified version of it.

Step 1: Honesty
Admit that you, of yourself are powerless to overcome your addictions and your life has become unmanageable.

Step 2: Hope 
Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

Step 3: Trust in God 
Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his Son Jesus Christ.

Step 4: Truth
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

Step 5 Confession
Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper Priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

Step 6: Change of Heart
Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

Step 7: Humility
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your short comings.

Step 8: Seek Forgiveness
Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Step 9: Restitution and Reconciliation
Wherever possible make direct restitution to all people you have harmed.

Step 10: Daily Accountability
Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong promptly admit it. 

Step 11: Personal Revelation 
Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and have the power to carry it out.

Step 12: Service 
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.

The success rate of these programs are low, and the numbers attending these classes few, in comparison to the staggering number of addicts. So as expected, the problem of addictions still continues to exist and grow.

While these are the steps addicts, and those with other undesirable personal habits go through, they may not necessarily go through them at the same rate or proceed in a chronological order outlined in the manual. Some of the attendees at the meeting may be present because they were given an ultimatum by their spouse or their employer. Their incentive will be different from someone who has faced a life changing experience because of their addiction and is therefore personally desirous to become better.

Every attendee at the meeting has a special history, a different motivation and a particular underlying cause to their problem which neither you nor they fully understand. They may slip and move backwards as often as they move forward. They may find themselves progressing very well and then experience an unexpected setback that may leave them feeling like they have failed and are unable to carry-on. Others may skip steps altogether thinking they have that part under control. None of these realities should become a stumbling block because the recovery process is really just that — a recovery process. 

We should also remember:
1/  We learn best through trial and error.
2/  We reach goals that are reasonably set.
3/  Few people who change hard things are successful the first time.
4/  Trial and error is a harder, less efficient and very expensive way to learn.
5/  Changing always costs more than you thought.
6/  Sheer willpower is not enough.
7/  We cannot substitute one bad behaviour for another to improve.
8/  The path to change is seldom straight.
9/  A lapse is not permanent unless we want it to be.
10/  Good ideas always involve hard work.

– Doug Garrett

Addiction Recovery: Part 3

Danger Signs and Coping Skills

God made us a promise:
“I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble and my Grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things strong unto them.” (Ether 12: 27)

We can receive that promised blessing if we sincerely want to.

First find, learn and practice coping skills. They will be your strength while you are vulnerable. Addicts do not heal alone. Isolation contributes to their problem by allowing them to act out their fantasies. They need to get involved with others that are traveling the same road and they need that input to find healing. 

Give your trusted friends permission to confront you if you are slipping or exposing yourself to any dangerous behaviours. Make a list for you friends to follow when it happens. Keep a copy in your pocket to follow also. Here are a few do’s and don’ts.

1/ Don’t become over confident. 
2/ Don’t flirt with being just a little untruthful.
3/ Saying “I can handle this,” is a sure indicator you can’t.
4/ Don’t forget how much work it took to get where you are because it’s harder to get there again if you have to start all over. 
5/ It’s impossible to indulge “just temporarily.” 
6/ Missing your old life style always sounds good until you remember your old life “problems.”
7/ When you are having a bad day, find someone who is having one that’s worse and help them.
8/ It’s hard to live a healthy life style if you are not a healthy distance from your old life style.
9/ Keep the personal conversation in your head positive if you expect positive behaviour.
10/ Celebrate your new life birthday anniversary often.
11/ Remember why you are struggling. 
12/ Your best thinking got you in trouble, remember? Don’t rely on it to get you out of trouble by trying again to do it by yourself. 
13/ When you lapse, take responsibility. Learn from your weakness, plan a new strategy and continue.
14/ Don’t believe your own lies. Your addiction has many voices.
15/ Recommit every day until you live your commitment every day.

– Doug Garrett

Choice and School Buses

From the first time I read step # 3 of the 12 step recovery program, I grew uneasy with it.

“Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his son Jesus Christ.”

It seemed to be the complete antithesis of all I had been taught about free will and choice. It was always the underpinning law, that even God himself would not violate. How could law number one and step number three be reconcilable? The answer has to do with our understanding of this principle of free choice. I would like to use an analogy, about school buses, to explain.

There are thousands, if not millions, of school buses in the world today. Each has a driver and each has an assignment. The assignment is generally to pick up people in one location and deliver them to another. Millions of people of all ages voluntarily get on these school buses, each knowing and agreeing to go where they will be taken. The destination is generally posted on the front of the bus to avoid confusion, because people normally decide where they want to go long before they arrive at the bus depot.

Choosing where we want to go, or what we want out of life, is very much like waiting for buses at the depot. We each get to decide which school bus we want to get on, then we walk up to the one going to our destination and we get on.

There is the bus to perpetual fun and playing. It doesn’t stop for any responsibility or careful thinking.

There’s a bus to fame and fortune. It has lots of stops to get to know people and make contacts to determine popularity.

There’s a bus to mediocrity. It’s fitted out with lay back pillows and comfortable body shape recliners. 

There’s a bus to self-destruction. It has illicit drugs, alcohol, prostitution and pornography.

There’s a bus full of people wanting to go to heaven.

There’s a bus load of people determined to go to hell.

Like I said, there’s millions of buses. They all have smartly uniformed drivers, smiling and full of confidence.  All look alike.

Free agency provides us the opportunity to pick where we want to go. Which bus shall we get on? Can we believe the signs or the drivers? How do we know which ones are telling the truth? Is there provision to get off if we change our minds? What about getting switched to another bus if we discover we have made a bad choice, arrive at the wrong destination or need a way to get back home? How do we know? How does anyone get to know?

In life, it isn’t always easy to get off the bus we chose to get on. Many buses don’t stop to let passengers disembark. When you got on the bus, you gave up your right to make a choice.

Other buses only go a short distance before they change the rules and everybody has to get off, even though they paid to go to the destination shown on the front of the bus.

Other drivers change the destination and literally hijack the passengers. That wasn’t the destination you bought a ticket for. What can you do then? Kick out the door and jump? You didn’t sign up to get hurt. You especially don’t want to hurt others.

For those whose lives have been taken over by drugs or other nasty addictions, it feels the same as being hi-jacked. You’re not just on the wrong bus, but now it’s getting harder to get off by the minute. You no longer have any control about where you are going or what speed you are going at. Someone is going to get hurt as long as you stay on board.  You are screaming to get off. But how?

There is good news and bad news. The longer you stay on, the faster the bus goes, the harder it is to get off and the more it hurts to do so. The good news is, you have a smart phone. Everyone has a smart phone! You can reach out and get help. It’s probably the last and only free will you have left. Yet getting off safely is not something you can do by yourself. 

When you find yourself in a position where you cannot do anything to help yourself, no matter what your addiction may be, know this: God will answer the phone and assure you he is coming to rescue you with his bus. He is the driver and you can get on. Use the agency still in your control, get off the bus, and get on his.

That’s the closest situation to which I can liken the statement: “Decide to turn your will and your life over to God and his son Jesus Christ.”

By doing this we are stating: “Yes, this is what I want to do. His bus is going where I wanted to go in the first place. I will place my trust in him. I am stuck and too weak from struggling to get there by myself. Until I am stronger, I will put my will, my life and my soul in his care.”

We are literally accepting God’s way as better than ours and we accept it voluntarily. We do it by exercising our free agency – not by giving it up. He will return the gift of agency to us when we decide we have become both more experienced and wiser than we presently are. 

Free agency is the right to choose for ourselves. We choose what bus we get on. We choose to change when we have made mistakes. We choose to get on the Lord’s bus when we realize we cannot get where we want to go any other way.

I get it now: It is my choice. There will be many different buses and bus drivers in my life. Before I get on another bus, I will check to see who the bus driver is. By my choice, I will make it to my destination.

– Doug Garrett

I’m Not Lost. I Just Can’t Find Everyone Else.

Have you ever been lost? Can you remember that moment when you felt nothing looked familiar? When the sudden rush of panic confirmed what you suspected? You were lost! What you needed most at that time was a map and a compass. The first would tell you where everyone else was, and the second would tell you how to get there.

In life’s journey we may feel discouraged, even lost, because we don’t know where we are in our relationships with others or our God. The panic we feel is the fear that we might be moving even further away from our true selves and our God — when we want to do just the opposite. Although we may be in different degrees of being lost in our life, where we are at this moment doesn’t matter as much as the direction we are going. Are we getting closer or further away from where we should be? 

If you look around, you will find there are people who ask for directions so that they may be helped. You will also notice there are people who would rather thrash around all by themselves, going nowhere, than accept any assistance that might be given.

Everyone who has been in the latter situation will, sooner or later, arrive at the point where they clearly understand they have to confess their bad habits, addictions, actions or lack of actions, are responsible for their current lost situation. When they have finally had enough of the cover up, the pretending, the blaming, and the lying that has gotten them lost in the first place, they may even realize they know what they have to do — not just to find themselves, but also find reconciliation with everyone else. Yet even if they admit they know which way to go to get out, one thing they may not be sure of is, “Can I find the faith and courage to follow the compass?”

When you carry on that private conversation in your mind, you know which one I mean, the silent argument that goes on minute by minute, can you tell who is winning? The side that wants you to ask for help, to stop lying to yourself? Or is it the side that says, “I am really not that bad. I can handle things on my own”? That falsely independent side is the same one that gives you permission to go on in the wrong direction, that feeds you the lies, myths and misinformation. How do you respond? How strong is your counter defense?

If you don’t have a good defense or counter proposal, what always happens? You lose, right? You give in, give up and give permission to yourself to do what you have always done — indulge your addiction, right? Of course that’s right. It happens every time. Otherwise you would not be lost. 

So let’s review nine suggestions to strengthen your resolve, reverse your direction and be more successful in finding your way again.

1/ Get to know your weakness. The more you get to know your weaknesses, the better prepared you are to win. There are lots of books or articles about your addiction on the web that share how others were able to beat it. They can be your compass.

2/ Talk to others close to you about your struggles. You need all the support you can get. Sharing this information will help them to understand what you are going through, and be in a better position to offer you encouragement.

3/ Divert your energy. Keep yourself busy doing other things – wholesome activities, singing or playing music, visiting, exercising, whatever is compatible with your situation. The possibilities are endless and the benefits enormous. 

4/ Practice counter thinking. Stop listening to yourself when you start reciting those troublesome, irrational and destructive thoughts. Replace them with ideas that are the opposite to that which has trapped you into your behaviour. Read motivational books and talk to positive people.

5/ Change your environment. That means people as well as the places your habits have taken you in the past. Stay away from those people and places who encourage you to indulge in your addictions. Your TV, your computer, your bad friends, your magazines or wherever the fantasizing is flourishing. Change them or discard them as the garbage they are. Getting your life back is much more important than they are — even all combined. Create a whole new life style and a new you that you, your family and friends can be proud of. 

6/ Discover your triggers. Triggers are prompters or things your habits and addictions respond to. It could be a picture, a smell, a song, a gesture or being alone. We act in a predictable way because we have conditioned ourselves to do just that. When we discover what they are, we can replace them and avoid them.

7/ Reward yourself for excellence. Set short term goals of abstinence either by yourself or with the help of others, and then award yourself when they have been achieved. Remember that a slip up is not a total failure.It is just a slip up. Even they have very important lessons to teach us about ourselves and our behaviour. They can also give us additional strength, resolution and motivation to do better.

8/ Find others, including God, to work with. Others may or may not face identical problems but they will share the same goals. When you realize you are not alone with this problem, the relief of sharing is emboldening. You are fighting a spiritual battle, as well as a physical one, with an enemy who has already won a lot of engagements with mortals such as you. Seek out the power you will need for such an uneven match. With God, everything is possible. You will no longer need to hide, lie about, or excuse your behaviour. You will be free to change it. 

9/ Read scriptures. If we want to talk to God, we pray.  If we want God to answer, we first read the scriptures to see what he has already said on the subject. For example:

1 Nephi 3: 7 “… I will go and do the things the Lord hath commanded for I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”

Ether 12: 27 “… And if men come unto me, I will show them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they be humble and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

The Lord has given us a map (scriptures) and a compass (Christ). Have the faith and courage to follow them and it will be just a matter of time before you successfully reach your goals.

-Doug Garrett