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Addiction Recovery: Part 1

Observations

Working in the field of addiction recovery has been an venture into a world of human behaviour that has been both illuminating and sobering. (No pun intended.) 

Illuminating because the spectrum from compulsive behaviour to debilitating dependency includes so many different faces. It has made me question much more inclusively what an addiction really is. 

It is also sobering because the shocking evidence reveals just how damaging and disruptive the problem is to the addict, their family, friends, co-workers and employers.

While it is true, unless the addict is compelled by law for a criminal offense, the choice of attending a recovery program is voluntary and at the discretion of the addict. But very soon the addict discovers there is an expiry date on his/her ability to control the addiction. It can be very deceptive. If he/she does not use it quickly, the choice is reduced or may disappear entirely. Even with the addict’s most brilliant thinking and most clever schemes the problem becomes worse, not better. So if there is to be any hope of recovery, he/she must be prepared to turn themselves and their will over to powers greater than their own: 1/ Government or non- government programs (assuming they are available), and 2/ the even higher power, God, without whom all programs for recovery will not be long term.

Let me list the typical phases of recovery: 

1/ Denial: 
This phase is marked by a vehement display by the addict to deny there is a problem. Instead of acknowledging the need to change, all energy and action is redirected to place the problem on others, especially their accusers.

As an example the accused may exclaim: “ I don’t see where there is a problem and most certainly it is not me. I think most of the problem is you. If you would stop the nagging and criticizing, the problem would go away.”

2/ Limited recognition, but no desire to change: 
This phase is accompanied by the willingness to accept that there could be a problem, but for the most part it is just “normal behaviour” and it is under control. If it should ever become a real problem, the person would of course do something about it immediately. In the meantime he/she is happy with things the way they are.

3/ No longer denying the problem, but still have no motivation to change: 
The evidence becomes so obvious that the addict finds it impossible to deny. However, they either postpone seeking help or fail to follow through on their promises to get it. Expect statements like, “I definitely will look at changing in the new year.” Or, “When I get a job that isn’t so stressful, I’ll give up my addiction.” Usually it takes a major event like an accident, getting arrested or being caught in the act, to motivate them to actually take action.

4/ Sufficient confessions and embarrassments leads to sincere motivation to change: 
This is the phase where the individual will be most likely to respond. Having been shamed and caught so many times, they are now seriously prepared to take action for change. 

5/ Has made and is keeping promises for recovery, however regularly requires exterior pressure to sustain those commitments: 
At this point the individual is not indulging in his/her addiction, but is constantly struggling and thinking about it. They still have to master the thoughts and habits of those who have achieved success. They may still be associating with their old friends and visiting old sites where they practiced addictions. They have frequent relapses and need others to help them stay committed. 

6/ Recovery – The individual has bridled his addictive indulgences: 
New and better habits have helped the individual to make smarter choices. They no longer think about or are control by their addiction. They have become reliable and predictable.

7/ Has discovered the joy of providing unselfish service to others: 
True recovery is accompanied by a strong desire to help others avoid or overcome their addictions. Their involvement with others is also a strong motivation for them to retain their new status reputation.

– Doug Garrett

Addiction Recovery: Part 2

Observations

We are really fortunate that in most countries, there are many worthwhile Non-Government Organizations that provide support and a place to seek help if anyone is wanting it. Most have adopted the twelve step program originally developed by Alcoholics Anonymous — or some modified version of it.

Step 1: Honesty
Admit that you, of yourself are powerless to overcome your addictions and your life has become unmanageable.

Step 2: Hope 
Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

Step 3: Trust in God 
Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his Son Jesus Christ.

Step 4: Truth
Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

Step 5 Confession
Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper Priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

Step 6: Change of Heart
Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

Step 7: Humility
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your short comings.

Step 8: Seek Forgiveness
Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Step 9: Restitution and Reconciliation
Wherever possible make direct restitution to all people you have harmed.

Step 10: Daily Accountability
Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong promptly admit it. 

Step 11: Personal Revelation 
Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and have the power to carry it out.

Step 12: Service 
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.

The success rate of these programs are low, and the numbers attending these classes few, in comparison to the staggering number of addicts. So as expected, the problem of addictions still continues to exist and grow.

While these are the steps addicts, and those with other undesirable personal habits go through, they may not necessarily go through them at the same rate or proceed in a chronological order outlined in the manual. Some of the attendees at the meeting may be present because they were given an ultimatum by their spouse or their employer. Their incentive will be different from someone who has faced a life changing experience because of their addiction and is therefore personally desirous to become better.

Every attendee at the meeting has a special history, a different motivation and a particular underlying cause to their problem which neither you nor they fully understand. They may slip and move backwards as often as they move forward. They may find themselves progressing very well and then experience an unexpected setback that may leave them feeling like they have failed and are unable to carry-on. Others may skip steps altogether thinking they have that part under control. None of these realities should become a stumbling block because the recovery process is really just that — a recovery process. 

We should also remember:
1/  We learn best through trial and error.
2/  We reach goals that are reasonably set.
3/  Few people who change hard things are successful the first time.
4/  Trial and error is a harder, less efficient and very expensive way to learn.
5/  Changing always costs more than you thought.
6/  Sheer willpower is not enough.
7/  We cannot substitute one bad behaviour for another to improve.
8/  The path to change is seldom straight.
9/  A lapse is not permanent unless we want it to be.
10/  Good ideas always involve hard work.

– Doug Garrett

Addiction Recovery: Part 3

Danger Signs and Coping Skills

God made us a promise:
“I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble and my Grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things strong unto them.” (Ether 12: 27)

We can receive that promised blessing if we sincerely want to.

First find, learn and practice coping skills. They will be your strength while you are vulnerable. Addicts do not heal alone. Isolation contributes to their problem by allowing them to act out their fantasies. They need to get involved with others that are traveling the same road and they need that input to find healing. 

Give your trusted friends permission to confront you if you are slipping or exposing yourself to any dangerous behaviours. Make a list for you friends to follow when it happens. Keep a copy in your pocket to follow also. Here are a few do’s and don’ts.

1/ Don’t become over confident. 
2/ Don’t flirt with being just a little untruthful.
3/ Saying “I can handle this,” is a sure indicator you can’t.
4/ Don’t forget how much work it took to get where you are because it’s harder to get there again if you have to start all over. 
5/ It’s impossible to indulge “just temporarily.” 
6/ Missing your old life style always sounds good until you remember your old life “problems.”
7/ When you are having a bad day, find someone who is having one that’s worse and help them.
8/ It’s hard to live a healthy life style if you are not a healthy distance from your old life style.
9/ Keep the personal conversation in your head positive if you expect positive behaviour.
10/ Celebrate your new life birthday anniversary often.
11/ Remember why you are struggling. 
12/ Your best thinking got you in trouble, remember? Don’t rely on it to get you out of trouble by trying again to do it by yourself. 
13/ When you lapse, take responsibility. Learn from your weakness, plan a new strategy and continue.
14/ Don’t believe your own lies. Your addiction has many voices.
15/ Recommit every day until you live your commitment every day.

– Doug Garrett

Choice and School Buses

From the first time I read step # 3 of the 12 step recovery program, I grew uneasy with it.

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his son Jesus Christ.”

It seemed to be the complete antithesis of all I had been taught about free will and choice. It was always the underpinning law, that even God himself would not violate. How could law number one and step number three be reconcilable? The answer has to do with our understanding of this principle of free choice. I would like to use an analogy, about school buses, to explain.

There are thousands, if not millions, of school buses in the world today. Each has a driver and each has an assignment. The assignment is generally to pick up people in one location and deliver them to another. Millions of people of all ages voluntarily get on these school buses, each knowing and agreeing to go where they will be taken. The destination is generally posted on the front of the bus to avoid confusion, because people normally decide where they want to go long before they arrive at the bus depot.

Choosing where we want to go, or what we want out of life, is very much like waiting for buses at the depot. We each get to decide which school bus we want to get on, then we walk up to the one going to our destination and we get on.

There is the bus to perpetual fun and playing. It doesn’t stop for any responsibility or careful thinking.

There’s a bus to fame and fortune. It has lots of stops to get to know people and make contacts to determine popularity.

There’s a bus to mediocrity. It’s fitted out with lay back pillows and comfortable body shape recliners. 

There’s a bus to self-destruction. It has illicit drugs, alcohol, prostitution and pornography.

There’s a bus full of people wanting to go to heaven.

There’s a bus load of people determined to go to hell.

Like I said, there’s millions of buses. They all have smartly uniformed drivers, smiling and full of confidence.  All look alike.

Free agency provides us the opportunity to pick where we want to go. Which bus shall we get on? Can we believe the signs or the drivers? How do we know which ones are telling the truth? Is there provision to get off if we change our minds? What about getting switched to another bus if we discover we have made a bad choice, arrive at the wrong destination or need a way to get back home? How do we know? How does anyone get to know?

In life, it isn’t always easy to get off the bus we chose to get on. Many buses don’t stop to let passengers disembark. When you got on the bus, you gave up your right to make a choice.

Other buses only go a short distance before they change the rules and everybody has to get off, even though they paid to go to the destination shown on the front of the bus.

Other drivers change the destination and literally hijack the passengers. That wasn’t the destination you bought a ticket for. What can you do then? Kick out the door and jump? You didn’t sign up to get hurt. You especially don’t want to hurt others.

For those whose lives have been taken over by drugs or other nasty addictions, it feels the same as being hi-jacked. You’re not just on the wrong bus, but now it’s getting harder to get off by the minute. You no longer have any control about where you are going or what speed you are going at. Someone is going to get hurt as long as you stay on board.  You are screaming to get off. But how?

There is good news and bad news. The longer you stay on, the faster the bus goes, the harder it is to get off and the more it hurts to do so. The good news is, you have a smart phone. Everyone has a smart phone! You can reach out and get help. It’s probably the last and only free will you have left. Yet getting off safely is not something you can do by yourself. 

When you find yourself in a position where you cannot do anything to help yourself, no matter what your addiction may be, know this: God will answer the phone and assure you he is coming to rescue you with his bus. He is the driver and you can get on. Use the agency still in your control, get off the bus, and get on his.

That’s the closest situation to which I can liken the statement: Decide to turn your will and your life over to God and his son Jesus Christ.”

By doing this we are stating: “Yes, this is what I want to do. His bus is going where I wanted to go in the first place. I will place my trust in him. I am stuck and too weak from struggling to get there by myself. Until I am stronger, I will put my will, my life and my soul in his care.”

We are literally accepting God’s way as better than ours and we accept it voluntarily. We do it by exercising our free agency – not by giving it up. He will return the gift of agency to us when we decide we have become both more experienced and wiser than we presently are. 

Free agency is the right to choose for ourselves. We choose what bus we get on. We choose to change when we have made mistakes. We choose to get on the Lord’s bus when we realize we cannot get where we want to go any other way.

I get it now: It is my choice. There will be many different buses and bus drivers in my life. Before I get on another bus, I will check to see who the bus driver is. By my choice, I will make it to my destination.

– Doug Garrett

I’m Not Lost. I Just Can’t Find Everyone Else.

Have you ever been lost? Can you remember that moment when you felt nothing looked familiar? When the sudden rush of panic confirmed what you suspected? You were lost! What you needed most at that time was a map and a compass. The first would tell you where everyone else was, and the second would tell you how to get there.

In life’s journey we may feel discouraged, even lost, because we don’t know where we are in our relationships with others or our God. The panic we feel is the fear that we might be moving even further away from our true selves and our God — when we want to do just the opposite. Although we may be in different degrees of being lost in our life, where we are at this moment doesn’t matter as much as the direction we are going. Are we getting closer or further away from where we should be? 

If you look around, you will find there are people who ask for directions so that they may be helped. You will also notice there are people who would rather thrash around all by themselves, going nowhere, than accept any assistance that might be given.

Everyone who has been in the latter situation will, sooner or later, arrive at the point where they clearly understand they have to confess their bad habits, addictions, actions or lack of actions, are responsible for their current lost situation. When they have finally had enough of the cover up, the pretending, the blaming, and the lying that has gotten them lost in the first place, they may even realize they know what they have to do — not just to find themselves, but also find reconciliation with everyone else. Yet even if they admit they know which way to go to get out, one thing they may not be sure of is, “Can I find the faith and courage to follow the compass?”

When you carry on that private conversation in your mind, you know which one I mean, the silent argument that goes on minute by minute, can you tell who is winning? The side that wants you to ask for help, to stop lying to yourself? Or is it the side that says, “I am really not that bad. I can handle things on my own”? That falsely independent side is the same one that gives you permission to go on in the wrong direction, that feeds you the lies, myths and misinformation. How do you respond? How strong is your counter defense?

If you don’t have a good defense or counter proposal, what always happens? You lose, right? You give in, give up and give permission to yourself to do what you have always done — indulge your addiction, right? Of course that’s right. It happens every time. Otherwise you would not be lost. 

So let’s review nine suggestions to strengthen your resolve, reverse your direction and be more successful in finding your way again.

1/ Get to know your weakness. The more you get to know your weaknesses, the better prepared you are to win. There are lots of books or articles about your addiction on the web that share how others were able to beat it. They can be your compass.

2/ Talk to others close to you about your struggles. You need all the support you can get. Sharing this information will help them to understand what you are going through, and be in a better position to offer you encouragement.

3/ Divert your energy. Keep yourself busy doing other things – wholesome activities, singing or playing music, visiting, exercising, whatever is compatible with your situation. The possibilities are endless and the benefits enormous. 

4/ Practice counter thinking. Stop listening to yourself when you start reciting those troublesome, irrational and destructive thoughts. Replace them with ideas that are the opposite to that which has trapped you into your behaviour. Read motivational books and talk to positive people.

5/ Change your environment. That means people as well as the places your habits have taken you in the past. Stay away from those people and places who encourage you to indulge in your addictions. Your TV, your computer, your bad friends, your magazines or wherever the fantasizing is flourishing. Change them or discard them as the garbage they are. Getting your life back is much more important than they are — even all combined. Create a whole new life style and a new you that you, your family and friends can be proud of. 

6/ Discover your triggers. Triggers are prompters or things your habits and addictions respond to. It could be a picture, a smell, a song, a gesture or being alone. We act in a predictable way because we have conditioned ourselves to do just that. When we discover what they are, we can replace them and avoid them.

7/ Reward yourself for excellence. Set short term goals of abstinence either by yourself or with the help of others, and then award yourself when they have been achieved. Remember that a slip up is not a total failure.It is just a slip up. Even they have very important lessons to teach us about ourselves and our behaviour. They can also give us additional strength, resolution and motivation to do better.

8/ Find others, including God, to work with. Others may or may not face identical problems but they will share the same goals. When you realize you are not alone with this problem, the relief of sharing is emboldening. You are fighting a spiritual battle, as well as a physical one, with an enemy who has already won a lot of engagements with mortals such as you. Seek out the power you will need for such an uneven match. With God, everything is possible. You will no longer need to hide, lie about, or excuse your behaviour. You will be free to change it. 

9/ Read scriptures. If we want to talk to God, we pray.  If we want God to answer, we first read the scriptures to see what he has already said on the subject. For example:

1 Nephi 3: 7 “… I will go and do the things the Lord hath commanded for I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”

Ether 12: 27 “… And if men come unto me, I will show them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they be humble and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

The Lord has given us a map (scriptures) and a compass (Christ). Have the faith and courage to follow them and it will be just a matter of time before you successfully reach your goals.

-Doug Garrett

The Making and Breaking of Rex

Rex was such a beautiful puppy when I first saw him. Happening down an alleyway, I noticed how his brown and black fur coat seemed almost incapable of containing his excitement or hiding his enthusiasm. He jumped, leaped, pawed and hurled himself until it seemed as though he might come right out of his skin in his zest to express his happiness.

Whenever someone would pass by the gate near the spot where he was tethered, he would run to greet them, to play with them, to share his life with them. But the chain would pull his head with a quick snap, jerking him right off his feet.

He had so much life inside, so much he wanted to see and so much to share that he would jump up again and again, pulling and lunging until he would fall down panting for air that had been forced from his throat by the unrelenting collar.

His eyes and cries would follow the children down the alley way pleading, “ Please play with me. We could have such fun. I want to come with you but I cannot. Each time I try, something stops me. Please, please don’t go away” But as always, the yard became quiet, cold and lonely.

A long time passed before I found the opportunity to wander that way again. I looked for Rex but I did not see him. Instead in the yard was a large, ugly, brown and black dog. He was chained to a steel rod anchored down in the frozen ground. His hair bristled at the sight of me and his teeth flashed. He ran at me growling deeply, his head yanked back as he reached the full extent of the chain. His eyes were filled with hatred. They seemed to say, “ If it were not for this thing, I would leap forward and sink my teeth in your throat.” The large red letters on the white fence read, “Danger. Beware of Dog”

I moved on quickly, wondering whatever became of my friend Rex.

  • Doug Garrett

The Value of Truth and Repentance

John 8:32And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

These seemingly insignificant 12 words containing 2 promises that could easily be overlooked as having very little practical consequence to those of us who feel we are already free and emancipated. But a closer review discloses a host of things we may never have considered before. 

Truth makes an immense difference to those who are trying to live by it. Let’s take, for example, the truth about repentance.

Repentance Infers There is a God

If there was no God, there would be no right and no wrong. Good and evil would be meaningless. An ultimate judgment would pose no threat to our behavior. Justice and mercy would remain stillborn. Our daily lives would lack motivation, requiring neither a good or evil response to the plight of our fellow men. Our sole concern would be for ourselves, our needs, our survival. 

Repentance Infers There is a Standard  

There is a standard against which we are being measured and found wanting. We are responsible and will be held accountable for our actions. If we are failing, we can change. We can become better through the application of correct principles if we know them. 

Repentance Infers a Current and Final Judgment 

A current judgment reveals our line of trajectory. For instance, how we are doing? Where we are going? How well are we informed? How prepared are we for the final judgment? When we contemplate these answers, it provides more motivation for us to improve ourselves.  

A final judgment is inferred because for what purpose would repentance, correction and a realignment to God’s will serve if in the end it made no difference? No one  would suffer any penalty or gain any blessing for the extreme effort required to be obedient. The scriptures make ample references to the great and final judgment (Alma 40: 11- 14 being perhaps the most explicit), when all of us will, after we have passed from this life, stand before that God who made us, to be held accountable for our deeds in this life.

Repentance Infers Immediate Results 

The way we affect others has a proportional and direct effect upon ourselves. This means if we change for better, the greater will be our influence on others to help them improve their lives too. And the more we help others, the greater the change for good we will experience in own lives. We need not wait until we receive the final judgment to receive blessings. They are unfolded to us the moment we bestow them upon others.

Repentance Infers We Can Change 

We can change from being uninformed and evil to knowing truth and doing good. We can overcome the handicaps of ignorance and poverty through obedience to Christ. The majority of the world has not been taught the concept of repentance. Instead they know only the false practice of confession of sins to avoid the penalties their wrong doings would otherwise bring. There will be justice and compensation for all wrongs done by us, or to us by others. The solution to avoiding the penalties of sin is not just to confess them, but to repent of them and do them no more.

Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

Knowing the truth changes everything we need to understand about why and what we do. The closer to truth our knowledge is, the closer to Godlike behavior we will practice.

Truth will bring hope to all those who embrace it and freedom to all enslaved by ignorance. It can bring peace and understanding, both to us and to the world.

– Doug Garrett

Seeking Forgiveness

We learn the following when the Lord made this statement regarding forgiveness:

D&C 64: 10 “I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you, it is required to forgive all men.” 

But the act of forgiving or receiving forgiveness, is not easy. It is complex and requires many preliminary steps. Recognition, remorse, revealing and reconciliation all come before there can be rejoicing. 

When one seeks forgiveness from his fellowman, he is placed in the humble position of a beggar petitioning for something that is beyond his power to acquire for himself. He is totally dependent upon someone else to show mercy before the act can be consummated.

In this respect, forgiveness is a contract between two parties: the transgressor and the transgressed. Failure to reach a mutual agreement on the conditions of the contract means both parties lose. The transgressor remains in debt or bondage, while the transgressed remains unrequited or unreconciled, perhaps even drowning in bitter resentment and soul destroying hurt. Both are chained to each other and cannot move away from the original sin.

Yet the moment forgiveness is fully granted and joyfully received, both are immediately set free. The transgressor is relieved of the burden of his debts and transgression. The transgressed has also removed his own unbearable burden by the very act of forgiving and forgetting. Both come away with an immense feeling of relief and freedom because they are unyoked. They can now move on with life.

It is easier to understand why God would command us to “ forgive all men” if we accept that we, unlike God, are not perfect. The process of becoming perfect requires adopting and mastering the qualities which make him “God” in the first place. Mercy, love, compassion, understanding and humility are required to forgive others who trespass against us while living life. They are also the qualities we must perfect to become as God is. The bigger the debt or offense, the greater the need we personally have for these God like qualities. As we embrace the act of granting mercy, love, compassion and understanding unto to the least of those who seek our forgiveness, we become more worthy to be the recipients of mercy, love compassion and understanding from God – the very being to whom we all stand in debt. The more often we go through the process of forgiveness, the more we progress and qualify to be reconciled with God. Someday, whether we are the transgressor or the transgressed, we will stand in his presence, petitioning for his forgiveness. 

D&C 64: 9 “Wherefore I say unto you that ye ought to forgive one another, for he who foregiveth not his brother his trespasses, standeth condemned before the Lord, for there remaineth in him the greater sin.”

D&C 64: 11 “ And ye ought to say in your hearts – Let God judge between me and thee and reward thee according to thy deeds”

– Doug Garrett

The Annual, Yearend Journal Entry

Looking forward to January from this, the finish of the old year and the start of the new, I record the passing of yet another ending and another beginning. 

For so many years I have tried to understand why each new year seems designed to defeat me. Each came with so much potential and promise, but within a few short months ended in frustration and disappointment. I am beginning to suspect I am the problem: A square lid on a round cookie can. 

Still, there is something about this year that I seem to perceive differently. I have always assumed each year was a one-off, single shot in the dark, like the annual, yearend entry. Suddenly, I now see that each is always followed by another shot, another entry, another year. There is a synchronization, a discernible flow carried from one year to the next. What has also appeared this time is the realization that each year is linked to the others, and has been since my birth. Each has been piled upon an ever increasing stack of years, with the newest on top. As I turn around, standing on the cusp of the latest year, I imagine that from here I have the perfect attitude, the best opinion on how things work in life or even the latest and most complete point of view. However, the point on which I have derived all of this, as noted, is not very stationary. How can it be? It changes every year and it keeps moving like a small raft on a swiftly moving river. The whole of it, with me at the apex, flows through ever changing circumstances, experiences and scenery. 

Those new year starts, which lasted only 3 or so months, now look like I was drifting into backwaters where I got temporarily slowed down for a bit. While each backwater held new and tempting things, I rested there only so long as there were more experiences to ingest. Then, just as certain, the time would arrive when a higher flow of water would flush me out into the main current again to be moved on. Even now at the thresh hold of this New Year, I can already feel the irresistible pull of the current. 

What guides the tides of time and the affairs of men? How is it that now that I am aware of it, I do not feel the least bit inclined to try to rearrange or change the speed or direction of the current?

My journey is becoming the center of my interest and attention as I ponder the unanswered questions it presents to me.

1/ I must have started somewhere, at some time. Did I have any choice regarding the destination or duration? Or were they chosen for me? 

2/ How will the journey end? 

3/ Does my life or its end really matter to anyone besides myself? 

4/ What does” eternal time” mean when there is so much meaning to understand in just one day? 

5/ Everything I must once have known, is all forgotten now. Why is that so? 

6/ Everything I see, smell, touch or learn today becomes woven deep, deep into the innermost fabric of my soul. Why weren’t those things I once knew, woven in as well? 

7/ If time began, and I began, and my journey began, then surely there has to be an end to everything as well. When it is all over? What then? 

8/ Will there be another “ shot in the dark” like this one, followed by another and still another? I now begin to understand the gift of my years. I feel, more than hear, the perplexing answers in the wind. They start quietly in my mind, assuring me as long as I am willing to move forward, I will find a river waiting — with a current over which I will be permitted to travel. 

9/ How much is there yet to see, to hear, to learn? 

10/ Does any of it depend on me?  My choice? 

11/ Who keeps track of all the journeys like mine?

12/ Is there an ever-watching eye somewhere that records it all?

13/ Where might that seer sit? In the Holy Halls of some Grand Palace in a land beyond where I can now see? 

14/ Is there carved in the stone of that great vaulted Hall, a message written by a ghostly finger that makes my course unalterable.  “Whosesoever yearns and would dare to desire to travel where the Gods have gone before them, must first learn what they have learned, and do what they have done. To these will be granted the space, the time, the opportunity required, that they may do so.”

15/ Will we ever have answers to these questions?

16/ Could it be that endings are only for who reject new beginnings? 

17/ Are the opportunities of the new beginnings influence by our previous journeys?

18/ From the height of our years, piled one upon the other, we perch to get our points of view, our opinions and our attitudes which then determine everything we do. Is this the never-changing pattern of all our progression? 

The memory is vague, the vision dark and distant. My hands tremble upon the oars at the very hope of such a thought. It is enough to stir a longing in my soul. “Come, my hesitant arms. We cannot rest or sleep yet. The current beckons and we must follow. The way is not well marked or brightly lit, but we must finish.” 

What manner the finish shall be, has not been reveal to me.

What reward of greatness we will receive at the finish, I cannot remember  — if I was ever told.

Who I will have become in the process, I cannot imagine. I have already changed so much.

This however, I do know. I will give all I possess to finish, and perhaps, to remember. Sufficient to itself, in the meantime, is to know I have moved far, oh so far. Yet all the while, so infinitely closer.

– Doug Garrett

The Destination of Fish and Men

There is a reunion being held in my backyard this fall. They are expecting hundreds to attend out of the thousands who were invited.

Even though its being held on our property and in our yard, we have not been invited. As a matter of fact, they have been holding these reunions for a very long time without our permission. They have been coming long before we lived here, even longer than the coming of the Europeans to the Americas, or even the indigenous people who once lived here.

I am speaking of the annual return of the salmon to spawn in the creek that runs through our property.

For the past two years they have been gone from this stream. But now they are returning to lay their eggs and finish their life cycle –here — where it began at the bottom of the clear cold stream among the sand and pebbles.

What a marvelous thing it would be if we could sit on a log and ask them where they have been. What incredible tales of adventure would they tell us? How many thousands of miles have they traveled? How many struggles did they have to overcome to reach home? So many rivers, so many streams that all look alike, how did they find their way back?

With so much swimming, through so many strong currents, with so many obstacles, did they ever think about giving up?

I have seen them in strong tides where they were just able to hold their own. I have seen them streak through water at great speed, darting from rock to rock, finding eddies to rest in. Then, a few minutes later, I have seen them go again, then rest again, repeating the process over and over. I have watched them leap through the air, just to get over a single water fall. Some of these extraordinary efforts only gained them a few hundred feet.

In the interior of British Columbia, Canada, a damn was built many years ago. It stood in the path where salmon have passed up stream for hundreds of years. When the salmon came, they tried to get over it, but it was too high. So they hurled themselves at in until their bodies were smashed and broken. The men who built the damn were so impressed at their determination that it was decided to build a concrete water ladder so the fish could circumnavigate the damn in small leaps.

What made the salmon do this? What thought in their tiny heads was so powerful as to compel them to succeed or die in the attempt? 

I suspect, as each left the tiny stream where it was hatched, it had no such compulsion. Rather it was probably filled with a great excitement for adventure, a feeling of freedom, a thirst to swim, to eat, to look, to play, to do anything and everything with reckless abandonment.

What happened and when? How much time went by before there came the feeling deep from within that they must return? Did they ignore it at first, perhaps mistaking it for something they should not have eaten? No doubt they became restless as the feeling became stronger. Is that why they began to gather together in large schools to see if others were feeling the same? Were they looking for someone to tell them what to do? Where to go?

Visualize them then, like ballet dancers, pivoting in unison, first this way and then that. Their movements become faster as others joined in. “ Where are we going?” No one answers as each becomes transfixed in the hypnotic spell. Then, without any visible signal, they all begin to move in a single direction. Somehow, from somewhere a long, long way away, they hear –or rather feel — a calling. “Come home” it beacons. “Come home. It’s time. You must complete the task.” Some respond, yet others stop to ask,” What task? What time?” We are mature now and strong. We are already home. We will continue doing as we have always done.” They break off and swim away.

Those who begin the trip start with enthusiasm, but gradually some slowly drift away because the journey seems so long and the reason so unimportant. 

Others moving on ahead hear and feel the call again. ”Come, hurry, there is not much time left!” Swimming through and across large nets, they struggle against fast moving tides, Over and up water falls, past enticing lures and strange looking, brightly colored minnows they move onward, always onward.

Still, it is too far and too much to expect from some. They pause, and rest, and play with the exciting trinkets that dangle from long, shiny spider webs.

Now the few remaining are traveling further and longer each day. Many have scars and bruises, while still others limp and work with all their strength just to keep up. “ Move on, Move on, Don’t delay, there is only so much time left!. You must finish, You MUST finish.”

When they finally arrive, there are not many left. They look nothing like they did when they left. Their backs are humped, and their snouts turned up. Their skin is a strange, bright red color. But they have arrived and their joy is high. They have come home. They will lay the eggs that will ensure the continuation of their species. Once the eggs are fertilized,  the males make great sweeps to cover them with fine sand so they may lay protected among the pebbles on the bottom of our clear water stream.

It will be a few months before the cycle is repeated. Then these new hatchlings will too go out to sea, as countless millions of others have done before.

As it is with fish, so it is with man.

We have left the place where we were spiritually raised. But now, we are all away at sea. From somewhere afar off, we have heard, or rather felt, a stirring which is calling deep down inside of us. “Come home, come home,” it calls. “ You must complete your task. There is not much time left!” There are many who respond. They gather together looking for directions on what to do, where to go. Yet some prefer to cling to old ways. Still others are busy chasing trinkets that move out of their reach on invisible spider webs.

Still, the call has come. Can you remember hearing it? I can. It was when I was a little child. It came as a distant voice on a summer wind. I remember knowing that there is a God and I had something I must do. When the missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints came and called at our door, I remembered that day in my childhood. The voice sounded as familiar as “a voice on the summer wind”. Come home, come home” it called and I responded.

Later, I read what the Lord said in Matthew 4: 19: “…Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men.” 

We are not home yet and there are many challenges and obstacles to overcome before we get there. The early Christians used the sign of the fish to identify themselves. We might consider how many other things “fish” could teach us.

– Doug Garrett